Ok, wow… where do I even start with this?

Every training that I went to or recieved before coming to Cambodia always had two things in common: 1) learning the language is incredibly important and 2) you are going to lose a lot, grieve a lot, mourn a lot, and want to quit, questioning why it was that God has you where he has you.  I always thought “Ok, that’s good. I expect it to happen so now I’m ready for it. Bring it on.”

Right.

Flashback to just before Christmas.  I started to feel something weird in my throat. Like there was something stuck and I couldn’t swallow it down. It wasn’t really painful or anything, just uncomfortable, so I didn’t think much of it for another week or two. Then around new years, it began to hurt when I swallowed. This scared me a bit. So I went to the doctor. He looked at my throat and saw swollen tonsils, ran some blood tests, and determined that it was bacterial tonsillitis. At this point, I heard “bacteria” and thought “Ok cool, gimme those antibiotics and lets knock this sucker out.”  After two weeks, nothing really changed, so I went back. This time, he gave me an IV antibiotic, plus a pill antibiotic. I felt better for a week or so, but then it came back again. So back to the doctor’s a third time…. New antibiotic.  During this time, my tonsils were so swollen that it would sometimes trigger my gag reflex, usually right before bed, in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning.  I went back to the doctor a final time, hoping and praying that this would be it.

The doctor said they are still swollen, and I should think about getting them removed if this one last antibiotic doesn’t work. He also gave me an anti inflammatory (that is important, remember that bit.)

Other things were also going on during this time, too, not just me being sick and miserable. My godfather had a stroke, and it was the first time I truly realized that there are people I love that I will probably never see again.  I had to come to grips with a friendship that will never be the same. Not that they are over, by any means, but for sure changed forever in ways I never really thought about.   

Over the next few weeks, my tonsils didn’t get better. At least they didn’t feel like it. I just wanted it to be done. I thought constantly “If I hadn’t come here, then I wouldn’t have gotten tonsillitis, or if I did, then it would have been taken care of by now, or at least I would be somewhere I know and I’m comfortable in. What am I doing here?”  There were probably half a dozen times I was looking for flights home.

Then on a Wednesday night, everything hit me all at once. Every struggle, every feeling of loss, every bit of sadness and loneliness. In the Bible, you hear about people “crying out to God”.  That night, I cried out. I nearly lost it. I couldn’t breath, I could barely type on my phone because my hands were shaking so bad. Big shout out to Karl, he called me in the wee hours of the morning in Colorado, and was able to calm me down, talk to me and pray with me. And another shout out to my teammates, offering up their surprisingly comfortable couch for two nights, so I wouldn’t be alone.

So the anti-inflammatory.  Turns out, it’s not approved in the U.S. It causes high blood pressure (which I had already, because I was stressed and sick) depression, and anxiety. I stopped taking it immediately, and within a few days, started feeling more normal.

That weekend, I also had a small group retreat at a resort outside of Siem Reap near the airport with other missionaries and expats.  It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was able to get away, be with others, and not worry about anything. Just relax for the weekend. Chill. Do nothing. Think. Pray. Reflect.

It’s been hard. I’m not really ok with all the loss yet. I’m getting there, but I’m not there yet.  I still wonder why God does what he does, why he doesn’t just show me. If I knew his plan, wouldn’t it be easier to trust him? (Jonah says no, probably not, by the way. He knew what would happen if he went to Nineveh, and he still didn’t trust God. Then he went and what he knew would happen happened and he STILL didn’t trust God. C’mon Nathan, learn from this… geez.)  

So I went to Bangkok the next Monday and Tuesday to see a doctor at a better hospital. I go in, sit down, and tell him about my tonsils and everything, and he said there is no more sign of infection. (most likely the last antibiotic knocked it out.)  But now I have a sinus infection, caused by all the dust, smoke and smog. So, after vacuuming out my nose, (oh yeah, it was just as weird as it sounds), he gave me some medicine, some nasal spray, and some nasal rinses. Now I just feel like I have a cold. Which I’ll take over tonsillitis any day of the week.

So I am slowly getting better, healthier and back to normal, whatever normal is now. Thank you all for your prayers during the last couple of months and please keep them coming!